It’s counterintuitive, but fighting in a relationship can make you fall even more in love. I know, hard to imagine when arguing with your SO makes you feel like you’ve been downing crazy pills by the handful! Here are the best and worst things you can say to get through the fighting and onto the makeup sex.
Best
“I know your mom loves you. How could she not? But her three calls a day interfere with ‘us’ time.” This makes me think of that Jennifer Lopez movie Monster in Law (one of the most underrated romantic comedies, in my opinion). J.Lo’s character did an excellent job of hiding how she truly felt about her fiance’s mom, even though she was the kind of awful only Jane Fonda can really nail on screen. Whether it’s his mom or annoying friend, acknowledging what they add to his life before you air your grievances will make him realize you’re being fair, and thus more likely to hear you out.
“I can see why it seemed like I didn’t care about your Game of Thrones conspiracy theories. Here’s what happened from my point of view.” When he explain something he’s upset about, repeat those words back to him before you get into how you see it. This subtle way of making him feel understood is like the Jedi mind trick of arguments. Use it well.
“I feel like we’re not sharing chores evenly, and I don’t think that’s just me being high on bleach fumes.” “I” statements are key! This could easily have been “You don’t help me out with chores!” which would just make him rack his brain for the memory of the last time he cleaned the toilet instead of realize the truth behind what you’re saying. When you present your issues in “I” statements, he’s more likely to tune in with an open mind.
“What else?” Let him get it all out. Even if he says something you’re not a fan of, responding with “What else?” shows you’re not just trying to rebut each point in his argument. You’re trying to actually listen to what he’s saying, and you want to know it all because you want to fix the problem. It’s proof that you see the fight as something you’re working on as a team instead of a you vs. him thing you’re trying to win.
Worst
“You’re always out so late that we never have sex anymore!” Stay away from “always” and “never” in fights. Unless you say something like, “You’re always alive and never dead,” it just won’t be true! Using those words is a quick way to make someone defensive, no matter how much time he spends out with his friends or how rarely you have sex. Instead, go for something like, “I feel like you’ve been out so much lately that I’m always asleep when you come home. Remember how often we would *bleep* and *bleep*? I miss that. What can we do to fix it?”
“Oh, I know, I’m the worst girlfriend in the world. Being with me is probably torture.” Even if you default to sarcasm when upset, try to avoid this habit. Sarcasm completely undermines your sincerity in a fight; instead of defusing the tension and making him realize whatever happened isn’t a big deal, it will just come across as bitter and hurtful.
“You’re overreacting.” Even if you really think he is, keep it to yourself! During a fight, you should both feel emotionally safe enough to be open about what’s bothering you. Try to remember that unless he’s got some facts wrong, everything he feels is important and worthy of respect. Validating his feelings will make him feel closer to you, especially if he’s nervous or thinks they’re ridiculous deep down.
*Wailing* A good cry during a fight can be so cleansing. But serious tears mean you should probably shelve the discussion until you don’t feel so overwhelmed. It’s hard to argue rationally when your emotions are in the driver’s seat.
Credit: Glamour.com